Abraham and the Syrophoenician Woman

Over the last six months, I’ve found myself coming back to two Bible stories. I might’ve even posted about one—or both—on Facebook, but both my memory and my tiny data package fails me. Either way, I figured it was probably worth reprocessing them. Maybe someday I’ll compare my thoughts now with what I wrote before.

What struck me about these two stories is the thread that connects them. One is the story of Abraham and Isaac. The other is the New Testament story of the Syrophoenician woman. Both are often taught in ways that emphasize surrender and humility—as if God is waiting for us to grovel before He’ll bless us.

But honestly, I think that’s missing the deeper point. These stories are actually about identity, not humiliation.

Let’s start with Abraham. In the context of 2000 BC, child sacrifice wasn’t shocking—it was disturbingly common. Abraham may not have been surprised by God’s request, but I imagine he was heartbroken. Not just because of Isaac, but because he had hoped this God was different—relational, compassionate. So when God provides the ram in the thicket, it wasn’t just a relief—it was a revelation. God was saying, “I’m not like the other gods. I don’t demand your child. In fact, I will be the one who sacrifices myself for you.”

Now, the Syrophoenician woman. That moment when Jesus says, “It’s not right to take the children’s bread and throw it to the dogs”—that line has tripped up a lot of people. But Jesus didn’t call her a dog. That would have gone against His very nature. What He did do was echo what society said about her. Then He gave her the opportunity to speak back to that identity. Her faith wasn’t in accepting some lowly label—it was in her refusal to accept what the world said about her. She knew her daughter deserved healing. And Jesus was amazed—not because she humbled herself, but because she knew who she was, and she wouldn’t be dismissed.

The hard part is, when we preach surrender and humility as the end-all-be-all, the people who most need to hear it usually don't give any heed. Meanwhile, those already living lives of devotion and selflessness start to question themselves even more. It fuels this spiritual anxiety—this constant wondering: “Am I fully surrendered? Have I really let go of everything? Is this God’s voice or just mine?”

But Romans 12 doesn’t tell us to become a burnt offering. It says to present our bodies as a living sacrifice—alive, thinking, feeling, desiring. That doesn’t mean erasing ourselves. It means resisting the world’s systems of fear, oppression, hierarchy, and shame, and instead living fully into who we are in Christ.

If this resonates at all, I’d recommend the book Living Fearless by Jamie Winship. It dives deep into what it means to walk in your God-given identity.

Is complementarian theology abusive?

 

“It’s not that complementarianism causes abuse. It’s that complementarian theology, because it privileges male voices over female voices and excludes women from leadership, allows abuse to flourish.”

Is complementarian theology abusive?

I would go further than the author and say it IS abusive. Of course, when we use the word abusive, there is almost implied intent, and I do not believe that is the case. Perhaps a better word is harmful. The harm happens on a sliding scale. Not every marriage is exactly the same. But I believe it is harmful for a woman to believe she is subordinate, even if that belief originates with her and not her husband.

Help for Men Resources

The Sex Talk You Never Got by Sam Jolman

Beyond the Battle by Noah Filipiak

Non-Toxic Masculinity by Zachary Wagner

Healthy Marriage Resources

Hierarchy of Needs- podcast

Yes, this is a parenting book, but also the best explanation of attachment styles I've found. It will help ALL your relationships. 

The Power of Showing Up by Daniel Siegel

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Created for Connection

The Marriage You Want

The simplest, most practical, and effective marriage book I've read. 

Resources on Abuse

 

Many of these books have quizzes that may help assess the marriage. Most can be found through Hoopla or Libby for free, and definitely on Kindle for a very low price. 

Also, many of the authors have podcasts that are updated regularly. They are worth checking out. 

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick

The Life Saving Divorce by Gretchen Baskerville

Is It Me? by Natalie Hoffman

All the Scary Little Gods by Natalie Hoffman

A Well Trained Wife by Tia Levings- this book contains very strong language, but I believe that even those in happy marriages should read and be aware of some women's realities they are hiding behind closed doors

The Bible Doesn’t Tell Me So: Why you don’t have to submit to domestic abuse and coercive control by Helen Paynter

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

The Christian Abuser: Recognizing and dealing with abuse in the Christian community by Guy Goodall

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

Is It Abuse?: A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims

The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire

Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

This ministry has quizzes, programs, a hotline... many resources

Not Under Bondage: Biblical Divorce for Abuse, Adultery and Desertion

https://youtu.be/OS04fAal3Zo?si=iIncmksW3UzV2i32

When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress

When the Body Says No- For strong readers only or for counselors

Bare Marriage Deep Dives on Christian Books

These are podcasts focusing on teachings from the best-selling evangelical books on marriage in America. They are mainstream, not fringe. Even if one believes in complementarian theology, surely you would still agree that most of this is unhealthy and plain ol' gross!

Love and Respect

Emerson Eggrich Wants You to Shut Your Mouth

Love and Respect Data 

The 72-Hour Rule Isn’t a Thing: How Evangelicals Coerced Women into Sex Every 72 Hours

The Things We Do to Women- Mark Driscoll, and no, Women aren't penis homes, and talkin' to you, Charlie Kirk, Mark Driscoll is not the greatest Bible teacher in the world

Piper and MacArthur are not good people

The Problems with His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley

Problems With 'The Excellent Wife' by Martha Peace

The Problems with Lies Women Believe by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth

The Problems with the Book Lies Young Women Believe

All the Problems with The Love Dare by the Kendrick Brothers!

Let's Talk the Five Love Languages!

"Sheet Music" is Really Explicit!

How The Power of a Praying Wife Can Go Horribly Wrong

The Backlash from Those Defending Purity Culture

A Summary of Issues with Every Man’s Battle

10 Huge Problems with Every Young Man’s Battle:

Jim Daly on Men Maintaining Sexual Purity, where he says masturbation is worse than violating your girlfriend's boundaries after minute 12:00

Everything Doug Wilson/Reformed

More Josh Howerton: How Did We Think Calling 8-Year-Olds’ Bellies “Intoxicating” Was Okay?

What if Lust ISN'T Every Man's Battle?

Surely that is enough to keep you busy for awhile!

Studies and Statistics on the Gender Roles

 

The Myth of 93%: Fathers and Mothers Are Not a Competitive Hierarchy in the Home- 

The Powerful Influence of Moms in Christians’ Households

Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention: Implications for Improving Relationship Education

Attacks on No-Fault Divorce Are Dangerous – Especially for Those Experiencing Domestic Violence

Divorce makes women happier than men

MAPPING FAMILY CHANGE AND CHILD WELL-BEING OUTCOMES

Sanctified Sexism: Effects of Purity Culture Tropes on White Christian Women’s Marital and Sexual Satisfaction and Experience of Sexual Pain

Ages 28-32 is the ideal time to get married.

A bachelor's degree or higher has 25.9% divorce rate, compared to 38.8% for those with only high school education.

Dating at least 3 years decreases divorce rates.

Masculinity vs. Femininity

A summary of a podcast by Sheila Wray Gregoire

Initiative, Not Control

A holistic view of masculinity isn’t rooted in dominance or control—it’s rooted in initiative. Healthy masculinity means noticing what needs care and stepping up to take responsibility, not because you have to, but because you choose to. It’s the willingness to act for the good of others, to use strength not for self-gain but for service.

This is especially significant because, biologically and socially, women often face circumstances they can’t control—pregnancy, childbirth, the immediate demands of caring for a newborn. These are realities that happen to them, often without choice or delay. Men, by contrast, don’t usually experience those kinds of involuntary demands, which makes their choice to engage all the more meaningful.

That’s why masculinity finds its strength in initiative. Philippians 2 points to Jesus as the ultimate example—not clinging to status or privilege, but willingly laying it down to serve. He chose humility and action for the sake of others. That’s what men are invited into: not control, but self-sacrificial love.

This kind of masculinity doesn’t just apply in romantic or family contexts. Jesus said, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13, KJV). Taking initiative can be as simple as caring for your friends, your community—or even yourself. Self-care can be a courageous act of responsibility when it’s done with the goal of becoming more whole and more capable of loving others.

In the end, biblical masculinity isn’t marked by authority but by love in action. It reflects Christ—not through domination, but through deliberate, sacrificial, and compassionate initiative.

Femininity is the power to create, cultivate, and transform. It is marked by a woman’s ability to generate life—not just biologically, but relationally, intellectually, artistically, and spiritually. Femininity reflects a bold kind of strength: one that builds and multiplies what it’s given. It is not passive or fragile, but deeply rooted, resilient, and active in shaping the world.

A feminine woman uses her influence with intentionality and clarity. Her strength shows up in her instinct to protect and preserve what matters. Her creativity is not ornamental—it is functional and formative. Whether she’s designing systems, building relationships, leading teams, raising children, or writing ideas into existence, her feminine identity drives her to bring order, meaning, and life to the spaces she inhabits.

True femininity is defined by a generative strength—a force that sees potential and brings it into reality. It’s not about being quiet (though it can be); it’s about being attuned, powerful, and purpose-driven in a distinctly womanly way.

Shame in Purity Culture

In many purity culture teachings, girls are burdened with the responsibility for everyone’s behavior, while boys are told they’re inherently sinful. This creates a dynamic where girls are expected to manage not only their own actions but also how boys respond to them. Boys, on the other hand, are often taught that their natural desires make them bad, instead of being guided with clarity and grace. There’s little distinction made between simply noticing someone is attractive and actually lusting after them. The concept of lust is rarely well defined, leaving young people confused and ashamed for having normal human feelings.

Attraction or curiosity about sex is often portrayed as sinful, when in fact, such feelings are a natural part of growing up. The message becomes that even thinking about sex is wrong, which places people in a constant state of guilt. Since purity is framed as nearly impossible to maintain, the only solution offered is for girls to dress modestly and control every interaction. This reinforces the idea that boys can’t help themselves, and girls must act as the moral gatekeepers.

Such teachings distort God’s intentions and shift the burden unfairly onto girls, leading to shame, confusion, and internalized guilt. Meanwhile, boys are made to feel powerless, as if they’re doomed to fail morally. In this system, behaviors that aren’t actually sinful are treated as if they are, leading to deep emotional and spiritual damage for both sexes. The purity message often fails to equip young people with a healthy, biblical understanding of sexuality, grace, and self-control. Instead of fostering responsibility, it fosters shame, helplessness, and legalism.

A healthier approach would involve clear teaching about what lust actually is, the difference between temptation and sin, and the role of mutual respect and self-discipline. Both girls and boys should be taught that they are capable of honoring God with their bodies and minds—without fear or shame.

Josh Howerton/ Harmful Evangelical Teaching on Sex

The Sex Talk You Never Got by Sam Jolman

She Deserves Better by Sheila Wray Gregoire

The Gospel of Ruth

The Gospel of Ruth by Carolyn Custis James

I believe Naomi deserves much more credit than we normally give her. She is criticized for being bitter, yet she still had the faith to move towards Bethlehem.

My view of Ruth as the hero (much like Jesus) has changed focus less on the "submission" that she supposedly displayed when she vowed to never leave Naomi, and more on to her courage and bravery. Naomi would need protection and help just to survive, and this is what Ruth was offering her. 

« I once asked seminary professor if he saw a pattern in the biblical texts where men interacting with strong women became stronger themselves. I'll never forget the blank look I got in return. In Christian circles there is sometimes an assumption that when women step into the spotlight, the men will pay a price…..

"Amazingly, even with two strong women in his life, there are no blank stares coming from Boaz. Though this may come as a surprise for some, even Boaz gains significantly. Boaz is not diminished, marginalized, or feminized in the slightest by being outnumbered and influenced by Ruth and Naomi."

«As a matter of fact, he only grows stronger himself through his collaborations with them.»

«If anything, previous characterizations of Boaz as the romantic lead in this narrative have actually detracted from his true significance and cheated him of the enormous credit he truly deserves. When all is told, he stands taller than ever as one as the tallest, most admirable male characters in all scripture.«

 

Sola scriptura?

 

In legal systems, verdicts are rendered based on foundational texts—constitutions, statutes, and case law. These sources provide authoritative direction for the interpretation and enforcement of justice. Similarly, in the Christian faith, the Bible is regarded as the ultimate authority for belief and practice. However, as with civil law, the interpretation of these foundational documents—whether legal or spiritual—requires more than just reading the literal words (two people can draw different conclusions from the exact same text); it demands discernment, wisdom, and often historical context. This parallel offers a compelling framework for understanding how Scripture is used to create moral and doctrinal standards that impact individual lives, church communities, and broader societies.

Legal Precedent and Scriptural Authority

In a courtroom, when determining guilt or innocence, a judge or jury examines various legal documents:

• The Declaration of Independence and Constitution provide the philosophical and structural foundations of law.

• The Bill of Rights outlines specific liberties.

• Statutes and codes detail applicable laws.

• Case law (precedent) helps guide interpretation based on previous rulings.

Similarly, in Christianity:

• The Bible is the foundational document—divinely inspired, infallible in doctrine, and central to faith.

• Historical church traditions and theological writings serve as interpretive precedents.

• Confessions, creeds, and denominational statements function like statutory codes, attempting to codify interpretation for practice.

The Role of Interpretation and Discernment

Though both systems claim textual authority, interpretation is important. In civil courts, ambiguity or conflict in law requires a judge or jury to apply interpretive reasoning. Judges may appeal to precedent, legislative intent, and principles of justice. In difficult cases, even with extensive legal documentation, if consensus or clarity cannot be reached, a mistrial is declared—acknowledging that no just verdict can be rendered.

In the Christian context, the equivalent of judicial interpretation is spiritual discernment—the process of seeking wisdom through prayer, theological reasoning, and guidance from the Holy Spirit. Scripture alone may not provide black-and-white answers to every ethical or doctrinal question- there is much more nuance. Therefore, discernment becomes necessary for applying Biblical principles to contemporary issues. To claim “only the Bible” without acknowledging the necessity of interpretation is not only naive but hypocritical, as even the earliest church wrestled with interpretive issues (e.g., Acts 15 council, Pauline letters).

The Problem with Sola Scriptura Without Discernment

Many Christians claim allegiance to Sola Scriptura—“Scripture alone”—as the rule of faith and practice. While this may appear noble on the surface, this principle is often misapplied. Saying “I only follow the Bible” ignores the human element of interpretation. Disagreements among sincere, Bible-believing Christians over doctrines such as baptism, communion, church governance, or eschatology illustrate this clearly.

Without spiritual discernment:

• Scripture becomes a weapon rather than a guide.

• Doctrinal legalism or division arises.

• Faith becomes rigid and unable to engage with modern complexity.

Discernment is not optional—it is essential. Hebrews 5:14 says, “But strong meat belongeth to them that are of full age, even those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil.”

Establishing Standards with Significant Effects

Using Scripture to set standards has shaped:

• Ethics and morality (e.g., sanctity of life, justice for the oppressed).

• Governance and law (e.g., abolition of slavery, human rights movements).

• Church structure and discipline (e.g., ordination, sacraments).

• Personal conduct and discipleship (e.g., integrity, generosity, forgiveness).

However, the impact is only as good as the interpretation. Misinterpretation can lead to abuse—such as justifying slavery, colonialism, or misogyny. Right interpretation leads to liberation, compassion, and justice.

The Need for Humble Discernment

Just as in the legal realm, where doubt and disagreement may lead to a mistrial, the Christian community must recognize that not all Scriptural questions yield quick or easy answers. When disputes arise, the answer is not to discard the Bible or pretend full certainty, but to engage humbly in prayerful discernment, communal dialogue, and dependence on the Holy Spirit.

The Bible remains the ultimate authority, but it must be approached with humility, context, and a commitment to truth-seeking. Those who claim to follow “only the Bible” must be honest about the interpretive lenses they bring and the historical precedents they rely on—just as judges and lawyers must with legal texts.

The call for Christians, then, is to embrace both Scriptural authority and spiritual discernment as partners in truth, much like law and justice function hand-in-hand in civil society.