Forgiveness

When the Church Harms God's People by Diane Langberg

On Forgiveness, Power, and the Care of Souls

One of the most damaging messages often given from the pulpit or in pastoral care is this: “You must forgive, no matter what.” This kind of directive—especially when given to the wounded—can inflict further harm, silence victims, and obscure the very nature of biblical forgiveness.

As Dr. Diane Langberg, a renowned Christian psychologist and trauma expert, rightly points out:

“Victims are often told they must forgive no matter what. But God does not forgive those who do not speak truth or who demand forgiveness. He is ready to forgive, and that readiness is hard to hold back, but forgiveness is not given until we seek him out, speak truth, and ask him for it.”

This is a theological reality many overlook: even God, full of mercy, does not forgive apart from truth, repentance, and humility. If God’s forgiveness includes boundaries and accountability, how much more should ours?

When leaders pressure victims to forgive without those conditions—especially when the offender is unrepentant or still holds power—it does not reflect God’s heart. Instead, it re-traumatizes, disempowers, and misrepresents both justice and grace.

Power Dynamics Matter in Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not a simple transaction; it’s deeply relational and shaped by the dynamics of power. When Jesus tells us to “forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Col. 3:13), we must remember the posture from which He forgives: from a position of ultimate power, showing compassion to the weak. He forgives us with full knowledge of our frailty. That’s the same compassion a parent has toward a child—not a subordinate toward an unrepentant master. Our forgiveness is an invitation to those less fortunate than us to sit in community together with us. It is obedience to Romans 12:16, Philippians 2:7, and Isaiah 40:4.

Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits.

But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:

 Every valley shall be exalted, and every mountain and hill shall be made low: and the crooked shall be made straight, and the rough places plain:

In relationships marked by inequality—abuse, spiritual authority, parental or pastoral power—it becomes nearly impossible for the vulnerable to extend genuine forgiveness without first being safe, heard, and respected. Anything else is often coerced forgiveness, which is not biblical forgiveness at all. (This also applies in marriage. The more equally positioned the husband and wife are, the more power she has to forgive the husband.)

Scripture Supports Boundaries and Accountability

In the Bible, we do not see people in positions of vulnerability freely “absorbing the consequences” of another’s sin while the oppressor remains in power.

• Joseph forgives his brothers—but only after rising to the second-highest position in Egypt. He tests them, watches their actions, and only then offers reconciliation.

• David spares Saul’s life, but he does not “clear the books.” He confronts Saul with truth and calls out injustice—an act of reclaiming agency, not overlooking sin.

• Corrie ten Boom forgave the Nazi guard not from a concentration camp, but after the war, after he had been stripped of authority, and after there was a sign of repentance and societal shame. Forgiveness came in a context of safety, justice, and humility.

On the cross, Jesus prayed:

“Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)

It is notable that Jesus asked God to forgive rather than declaring it Himself. Perhaps, in His oppressed human state, He did not possess that power in the moment. It is also not stated that God immediately forgave those involved in the crucifixion. Likely, many repented later—after the resurrection—and then received forgiveness.

Even in the New Testament, Stephen’s forgiveness of his executioners comes with a vision of Christ standing in heavenly authority—his act is a divine moment, not a prescriptive model for daily pastoral care. And when Paul speaks of forgiving persecutors, he does so as one who had been guilty of the same violence—a unique, complex context.

We simply do not find biblical precedent for telling powerless, wounded people to forgive those who hold power over them without repentance.

The Physical and Emotional Cost of Forced Forgiveness

In some cases, encouragement to forgive with no accountability can even be physically unsafe.

When an abuse victim forces themselves to forgive prematurely, it can interfere with the essential process of healing. Forgiveness that is rushed or pressured often bypasses the necessary emotional work. Victims may suppress anger and grief to appear “over it,” but trauma doesn’t disappear—it gets buried, only to resurface in unhealthy ways.

Premature forgiveness can invalidate a victim’s suffering and may cause confusion:

“Why am I still angry if I’ve already forgiven?”

This leads to guilt, shame, and self-blame, especially when the pressure to forgive comes from family, religion, or societal norms.

True healing often requires that anger, grief, and even rage be safely expressed and validated. Skipping these steps delays recovery. Forgiveness, if it comes, should be a self-directed choice made from emotional readiness—not obligation or fear.

Bitterness vs. Forced Forgiveness: Two Sides of the Same Root

Both bitterness and forced forgiveness often stem from the same source:

Unprocessed emotion.

As explored in the book   When the Body Says No, both reactions can make a person physically and emotionally sick. It’s not just about whether one forgives or not, but whether the pain has been honestly processed.

Many people carry anger alone, without a community to help hold or validate their grief. The real issue is not simply whether to forgive, but how to process suffering in community, with safety, support, and honesty.

The Prodigal Son: A Model of Healthy Forgiveness

The parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15) contains all the essential elements of a healthy forgiveness narrative:

• The son initiates reconciliation.

• He repents without excuses or demands.

• The father restores him with compassion after the son’s humble return.

This is forgiveness with truth, humility, and agency—not a coerced act or silent suffering.

What Should Church Leaders Say Instead?

When walking alongside victims of abuse, spiritual manipulation, or deep betrayal—especially when the offender holds power—it is more faithful to Scripture, and more Christlike, to say:

“God sees. He will deal justly. You are not required to carry the weight of this alone.”

Or:

“We ought to obey God rather than men.” (Acts 5:29)

Pastors and leaders are not expected to have all the answers. But we are called to shepherd with integrity, humility, and care for the weak. Like a spiritual Hippocratic oath:

First, do no harm.

To demand forgiveness without repentance is to ask more of the vulnerable than God asks of anyone.

If Forgiveness Is Truly the Goal…

Then more will be accomplished by:

• Removing social hierarchy constructs that perpetuate inequality

• Teaching both victims and perpetrators about their true identity and value in Christ

• Creating communities of support where grief, anger, and healing can be processed honestly

Let us lead with truth, not pressure.

With grace, not silence.

And with justice, not appeasement.