Giving You the Benefit of Doubt

 Most of this blog is made up of shorter sections taken from podcasts by Sheila Wray Gregoire.

«Statistics say that when the husband and wife don't have equal say in decision making, 81% of the time the marriage will end in divorce.

81% of evangelical marriages don't end in divorce, because many time a healthy couple will SAY that the man is responsible for making the decisions, but that isn't what is practically happening in the marriage.

Meanwhile, that marriage may be safe, but the message they are promoting is harming other marriages. Of course, there will always be people that will naively claim that they are "just following the Bible," while are unwilling to examine the effect the culture they have lived in has on their interpretation of the Bible.

Even if the Bible clearly said that the husband always gets the last say, the proportional focus that evangelicals place on this versus humility, love, serving, condescension, doesn't match what the Bible says.

"When couples are told that the husband is supposed to be in charge... what does this do to men who have deep insecurity issues, or mental health issues, or more?

They may not be malicious or evil. But this theology tells them: "Your drive to control (which flows out of a problem that really should be addressed) isn't a problem at all. It's a good thing. God made you the leader." Yes, this can lead to the abuse of women, as I have talked about so much.

But it also denies any impetus for emotional growth in men. Instead of examining childhood wounds, learning to

connect, learning how to be vulnerable rather than needing control, men are given an out for all of this.

In our focus groups, and daily in my emails, I hear of couples where the husband didn't start out abusive. He wasn't even bent towards any kind of maliciousness. But the relationship grew more and more that way because their theology gave him cover from having to grow. But I want to make it clear that this theology doesn't just hurt women; it hurts men too.»

A lot of men are really nice guys and they have a really like low sense of self and a lot of toxic shame. They may have the upper position in the marriage just because Christian teaching inherently puts him there. But he's not the that knows he's on the mountain and needs to be knocked down.

He actually feels like he's in a completely deeper valley that like nobody else is even in because of the way that he views himself and the shame that he has. But he is not happy.

A lot of times when we don't have emotional language, when we're looking to other people to emotionally regulate us because we're so focused on shame and we're very easily triggered. It's very difficult to have open conversations. Yet, because of the shame, as well as because of just the way that we were wired for connection, these guys often have a really, really deep need to feel close to their wives, to feel like I'm accepted and I'm loved, but they can't open up and become vulnerable enough to truly be known.

But your wife can't truly know you if you aren't able to show her who you are, and how can you show her who you are if you aren't even in touch with that, if there's so much of yourself that you're running from.

They channel those needs for connection into sex, and they have this super high need for sex, which isn't just a sex drive, it's not just libido.It's like, if I don't have sex, I'm not accepted and loved because this is my only way to feel accepted and loved.

And it puts such pressure on sex that sex was never meant to have. When you try to use sex to feel connected while you're not doing the work of connection, sex can feel really shallow.

It's a real desperation for sex, especially, because it is the only method that you have to feel connected. Those are real, but they're not actually based in a desire for your wife in the proper way. They're instead often based in a desire to run away from the shame that you're feeling and run away from true authenticity.

And so often what shows up as sex problems isn't actually a sex problem.

But it can become the biggest thing that they fight about. Instead of sex being something which draws them together, it ends up being something that pulls them apart.

And so I think that's where guys can feel, well, I'm not actually on that mountain. I'm in the valley because I'm so desperate and she's got this thing that will make me feel intimate, but she's holding it back. She's not giving it to me.

The majority of people who say they believe complementarianism do not act it out. People are saying this is what they do, but they're actually acting as egalitarians.

And that's why so many people's marriages in evangelicals were actually quite good. Evangelicals do tend to have better marriages than the general population. But it's not because we're following our teachings, it's because we're not.

We have the best parts of church. We love Jesus, we have the Holy Spirit in us, we understand about love and sacrifice, and we're in a good community. And all of those things give you a great marriage, but we're not acting at the toxic stuff.

As soon as you act at the toxic stuff, bad things happen.